Heartbreak…

I know the story with these guys, that’s why I do what I do, to somehow make it better. But some days I just wonder if there is any way at all to make a difference. Empowerment is the buzzword of the day, but it’s a complicated word. Doing empowerment work, empowering others, is nearly impossible. You can’t make someone else empowered; you can’t force empowerment on anyone, because, then, is it really empowerment? No, people have to choose to be empowered and do it for themselves. You can only provide opportunity and tools. But when you are providing opportunity and tools and no one wants to make use of them it can be awfully depressing. The boys that I work with are more often than not hopeless, not meaning that nothing can be done with them, but meaning they have no hope for themselves. I’ve known this all along. I know that the odds are against them. I know that they know it. But to hear and talk to them about it, and to fully realize how caught up in that reality they are, is heartbreaking. Today, somehow, I got into a conversation with a couple my students about how they don’t expect to live past twenty-five and how they can never envision a life without violence. One student said that seeing blood and someone else on the floor made him happy because he knew it wasn’t him. The other student, waxing philosophical, explained how the system was against him to the point where it would be useless to get out, and if he’s going to be part of that world and die young anyway, he might as well go out with a bang. It’s unfortunate to note that I actually agreed with a lot he said. Not the part about needing to go out with a bang, but about the system. He already, at 18, has been tried as an adult and received a felony charge, one strike, as he put it. With that strike it makes it difficult for him to get a job or to be accepted in another part of society. And when I mentioned trying to move away from the city, he said that he would never have the money to do that. His attitude was completely self-defeating, with reason. And with that self-defeating attitude he probably won’t ever take advantage of the tools and opportunities we are trying to provide for him. He said he was just thinking realistically, he doesn’t want to have expectations and plans for the future and then be disappointed. But I think the truth of the situation is that this particular student, being intelligent, could probably do something to get out except for the fact that he doesn’t believe that it’s possible. Violence, death, and drugs are a part of their “culture” they say, and to survive in their neighborhoods they see the need to embrace that culture, which only perpetuates those behaviors. So I had one of those days, wondering if I could ever actually make any difference for these guys, wondering if there was anyway to really help them out. Seeing them in a locked down, secure environment I get to see them with out their tough street personas. Of course, they are still trying to look cool for each other, as adolescent nature dictates, but their childlike selves become more apparent. After all, they really are just children. Some of them can be very gentle in nature, but they are forced to be aggressive for self-preservation. They have great senses of humor, they are creative, and talented, and some off them can often be very considerate. I really care about them all a great deal. Maybe that’s my mistake; maybe I will be forever heartbroken. More often than not the pattern is that they will return to the street and the culture of violence and either end up back in the prison system or dead within a fairly short amount of time. I want to help them. I would love for them to be empowered, get control of their lives and end up doing what they want to do. But all I can do is to be there to provide opportunity and tools.